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| Captions in the Cave |
| 05.15.04 (7:31 pm) [edit] |
“You really shouldn’t mess with that stuff” said Mr. Mouse to Nosferatu.
“Users are losers” said Groves.
“And at your age, your old heart just can’t take it” added Chuck.
“Let this be a lesson to you.” said yours truly.
The world went black and these words appeared;
“I know. I know it’s bad. But I used to be able to stay up all night. I would carouse, chase virgins, and feast!!!! But now, I just can’t make it past four o’clock. I’m not as young as I used to be”
“Well then” said Groves “You need to accept where you are in life. Drugs are not the answer”.
Again, we experienced total blackness, and these words;
“But it’s not easy being a vampire. All those negative stereotypes that are so outdated. ‘Can you turn into a bat Mr. Orlok? Do you howl at the moon?’ Fools. Closed minded idiots. Sure, I did some things back in the eighteenth century that I’m not too proud of. But those were different times. I’m a completely different person now. I like playing Tetris, making Prank Phone Calls, grooving to Ambient Dance Music. But does anyone know that? No. They shy from me because they are afraid I’ll suck their blood and turn them into immortal beings sworn to all things evil. All I want are friends that will accept me for who I am, and see beyond age old prejudices such as these”
“We’ll be your friends” said Groves.
“Yeah” said Chuck.
“Darn Tootin’ “ said Mr. Mouse.
“Indubitably” said I.
Hear Evil Wiener at;
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix solo at:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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| Claret turns to Squall |
| 05.13.04 (3:04 pm) [edit] |
“Hey, none of that in my bar/home” said Mr. Mouse as Nosferatu sniffed away at his white powder.
Groves leaped up out of his aquarium and landed to the right of Nosferatu. Chuck rolled over and flanked him on the left.
“I’m sorry sir, but we’ll have to ask you to leave” said Chuck.
Nosferatu hissed as he turned and lifted Chuck above his head. He growled and prepared to throw the meteor. As his arms began to move forward to make the throw, the ancient, hairless, man stopped. His eyes grew large with surprise as he dropped Chuck and clutched his chest.
Mr. Mouse lept from behind the bar and performed Reiki on the decrepit old body of Nosferatu. Soon he was better and sat in a stunned state on the floor of the cave.
Hear Evil Wiener at;
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix solo at:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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| Evil Nose No Flour |
| 05.11.04 (9:48 pm) [edit] |
We all looked at Nosferatu, and Mr. Mouse said;
“Hey. Mr. Orlok. Good to see you again, but I’m afraid we’re closed”.
Nosferatu lifted his hand, and the whole world around all of us turned into a black screen which displayed these words;
“I realize that is late. But surely you wouldn’t deny a new friend a drink or two.”
After a few moments the screen disappeared and Mouse said;
“I’m sorry. It’s after two. I can’t serve any more alcohol.”
Again, the world went black and we saw these words;
“Laws. Rules. What are they good for? If you will not permit me but one of your Monty Python Holy Ails, I shall have to take matters into my own accord.”
When the black screen disappeared, we saw that Nosferatu was bent over the bar, inhaling white powder.
Hear Evil Wiener at;
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix at;
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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| Flutter and Squeak |
| 05.10.04 (10:12 am) [edit] |
We didn’t get much sleep last night , but still, yours truly got up this morning as soon as the rooster rang the doorbell to the cave. I spent most of the morning working out a patent for my Singing Toothpick™. I spent the afternoon trying to sell a few big corporations on the idea, (and I will say that I got a few nibbles! Yes indeed I did! You’ll probably personally OWN your very own Singing Toothpick™ by the end of the week.) I spent the evening mastering the art of Tunisian Plastic Sphere Printing.
When I got back to the Cave-Groves and Chuck were doing magic tricks. They made an elevator appear that would take people to Fergus Falls, Minnesota. They turned a 16-pc. Garden Tool Set (with Case) into a DeLonghi Digital Convection Toaster Oven.
Later, a group of sabrewing hummingbirds came in and had a tongue twister contest, which Chuck won!!!! They gave him an all expense paid ten second vacation to United States Library of Congress in Washington D.C. When he got back, things were winding down. The hummingbirds soon bid us a fond farewell and told us to email them if and when our band played again.
When the last hummingbird had gone, Mr. Mouse said;
“Ah well, guess I’d better close up.”
But then we heard a spectral squeal projecting from the end of the bar. We all looked over and saw the black clad, skin headed figure of Nosferatu settling down onto a stool and nestling the bar asd if it were a kitten.
Funny, but I don’t remember him coming in.
Hear Evil Wiener at:
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix at
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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| Interlude in Black |
| 05.08.04 (7:07 pm) [edit] |
As the last of the Mounties disappeared into the fax machine, Chuck, Groves, Mr. Mouse and yours truly all looked at each other and said goodnight. Mr. Mouse went off to his bedroom, Groves to his aquarium, Chuck opted to sleep outside, which left me with the sofa.
Unbeknownst to all of us, there was someone else in the cave. Way down deep, in the darkest recess of the subterranean tunnel, Nosferatu was opening the lid to his coffin.
Hear Evil Wiener at;
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix at;
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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| The First Ride of the Cyber Cavalry |
| 05.06.04 (9:24 pm) [edit] |
Chartreuse colored smoke came from the mouths of the Canadian Mounties as they said; “Lord ‘tunderin’ Jesus. What’s the problem eh?”
“We’ll explain on the way” said Burgoo King Jr.
The mounties, well, mounted, the horses. They erupted from the Cave as Mr. Mouse, Groves, Chuck, Nosferatu, and yours truly did baroque social dances and threw confetti made from recycled chimney brooms as a send off.
For the next 56.8 minutes, I endured the aches that came to my furcula, glenoid, and islets of langerhans, while Chuck and Groves moaned, Mr. Mouse fretted, the University of Vermont Equestrian Team snored, and Nosferatu drank. At the end of the 56.8 minutes the Mounties and Horses returned.
“We’ve got some good news and some bad news eh” said the Captain of the Mounties.
“Do continue” Said Chuck.
“Well, we like, got the pictures. So ya woont be hurtin’ anymore eh. They aint much ta look at after gettin’ run over by the trains, but we got ‘em”
“So, what’s the bad news ?” asked Groves.
“Oh, well, we like, got the pictures, but we didn’t get a ‘drat’ or a ‘curses’ or a ‘foiled again’ from any of the folks that tied the pictures to the track, eh”
“So, does this mean we can expect more trouble from Thrum-Cap, Coil, and Admantine in the future?” I asked.
“’Fraid sooo” said the Mounty Captain.
“Oh well” said Groves “At least my nasal barbels and adipose fins don’t hurt anymore”
So, we gave each of the mounties a wheat penny and watched as they went back to Canada via the fax machine. We also bid a fond farewell to the University of Vermont Equestrian team and their high-tech horses, who had managed to solve our latest problem through their vast knowledge of sophisticated communication techniques.
Hear Evil Wiener at;
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix at;
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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| Cave of Many Colors |
| 05.05.04 (2:23 pm) [edit] |
By the time the horses had connected their laptop to Mr. Mouse’s modem and set up their fax machine, most of the audience had left, with the exception of Nosferatu, who just couldn’t get enough of the Monty Python Holy Ail that Mr. Mouse served up ice cold. The University of Vermont Equestrian team had all fallen asleep on the floor of the cave, while Groves, Chuck and I endured the pain produced whenever our photographs were trampled by the trains, which made their way over distant tracks, completely unaware that they were being used by three dirty dogs named Thrum-Cap, Coil, and Admantine to foil what was to be the very first Evil Wiener gig.
“Eureka!!!” Said Burgoo King Jr, the thoroughbred horse who was in the midst of masterminding a plan to relieve us from the agonizing burden produced whenever a train ran over our pictures.
“Arcata!!!” said Dust Commander III, who had just I.M.ed his cousin in Whitehorse.
“Do we have contact?” Asked Burgoo King Jr.
“We have contact.” said Dust Commander III
“Commence with Operation Tele-Dudley in X minus 3,2,1.....
Just then, the fax machine jumped off of the bar, landed on the floor, screamed “Cowabunga” and shook its booty. Salmon colored sparks began to fly from the top of the machine as the dancing increased in its intensity, then a brume of chartreuse smoke shot from a slot in the spinning machine. When the fog had cleared a Canadian Mounty in full regalia stood before us. This process repeated itself 8 more times.
Hear Evil Wiener at;
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix at;
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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| A King, A Queen, A Lucky Dancer |
| 05.04.04 (4:36 pm) [edit] |
It was no use trying to continue. Every time I started to strum my guitar, my astragalocalcaneum would jolt, and I would fall down. . Chuck howled as the crystal structure of his minerals constricted, Groves caterwauled as only a catfish can. We all looked bemoaningly at the balloons filled with watermelon seeds that we had prepared for our grand finale, knowing that this grand finale would never come. I was so sad that I cried like a ladylux ergonomically designed soft touch dual spray faucet with fingertip controls.
The audience stared at us as we contorted under the burden of the trains that were running over our photographs, which had been tied to the tracks by Adamantine, Thrum-Cap, and Coil-the three brutish rock club owners who, we were finding out, would stop at nothing to undermine the career of Evil Wiener.
Mr. Mouse, the owner of the cave in which we played, turned to the flying squirrel who had delivered the news of Thrum-Cap, Coil, and Adamantine’s latest dastardly deed.
“Is there nothing we can do to help bring an end to this tragedy?” asked Mr. Mouse.
“Probably not in time for them to finish their gig” said the flying squirrel.
“Dogone it.” said a Peahen who was sitting at the bar, “I really wanted to get my Rock on”.
“Oh well. I guess we’d better head back to Vermont” said the captain of the University of Vermont Equestrian Team.
“Wait a second” said Burgoo King Jr., one of the horses “I think I know how we can help. Dust Commander III, is your cousin still up in Whitehorse?”
“Yup” said one of the other horses.
“And Kauai Queen, do you have your laptop on you?” said Burgoo King Jr.
“Yup” said Kauai Queen, pulling a G-4 power book out of her saddlebag.
“Mr. Mouse. What kind of internet connection do you have?” asked Burgoo King Jr.
“DSL Light” responded Mr. Mouse.
The horses all whinnied in disapproval.
“Hey, Man. I live in a cave!!! Whattaya expect?” said Mr. Mouse.
“Don’t fret lil’ pal” said Burgoo King Jr. “We’ll make due. Do you have faxing capabilities?”
Mr. Mouse shook his head from side to side in a sheepish manner.
“No worries, Lucky Dancer, are you packin’?” Another horse, whose main had been trimmed in a manner that resembled a mohawk, winked as he whipped out a very sophisticated looking fax machine.
We all looked at each other, wondering what the horses had in up their bridles.
Hear Evil Wiener at;
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix at;
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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| My Po Popliteal |
| 05.02.04 (9:02 pm) [edit] |
By the time Captain Lepus had made his way to the bar- a self propelled bicycle, a generation gap, and another mouse had ambled in. By the time we were ready to play, the place was full of all kinds of folks. Nosferatu was chatting with Maureen McCormick. The Thompson twins were playing rock, paper, scissors against the University of Vermont Equestrian Team, whose horses were drinking Blue Sky All Natural Soda and flirting with a group of peahens. Fred and George Weasly were playing pinball. Benji was making eyes at Stitch. Even with all the commotion in the room, I noticed that the funnel cake with green eyes that I’d last seen next to the mystical rock quarry from which I got my guitar and my bass player, was standing in the back.
Three of my teeth fell out, which is a sure sign that I’m nervous. But I used silly putty to stick them back in place and said;
“Hi everybody, we’re Evil Wiener”
We launched into our set, and Chuck’s drums sounded like a gigantic cotton candy machine with cool pictures of kangaroos playing soccer on it. Groves’ bass controlled the weather, and even though it was nearly eleven pm, he made the sun shine in the Cave. We were seriously skating over the frozen sea of effulgence, and everyone there knew it. Then, suddenly, the bass stopped and the sun ceased to shine.
“Ouch” Said Groves.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“It’s my trigeminal nerve foramen, it hurts like crazy, and AAAAAAAAAAGH!!! Now my Suspensorium-V. Heeeeeeeeelp!!!!!
Just as I was wondering what to do, I felt an aciculate pain in my xiphoid process, and another in my patella.
I hollered out and then realized that Chuck, too , had joined Groves and myself in this most agonizing endeavor.
Just then a flying squirrel darted into the room, landed on the bar and said;
“Thrum-cap, Coil, and Adamantine have taken the Evil Wiener pictures and tied them to the railroad tracks. So now, whenever a train comes along, Chuck, Groves, or Billy are going to be in for some serious discomfort”
The crowd let out a mutual gasp, as my popliteal vein throbbed mercilessly under the weight of a distant train.
Hear Evil Wiener at;
http://www.evilwienerworld.com" title="http://www.evilwienerworld.com" target="_blank"http://www.evilwienerworld.co...
Hear Billy Sugarfix at;
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" title="http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/billysugarfix .htm" target="_blank"http://www.soundclick.com/ban...
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